Most families mean to talk about end of life planning. Very few actually do.
It’s not avoidance, exactly. It’s more that life keeps moving, and the conversation keeps getting pushed to later. Then, when a health crisis arrives. For most families, a crisis eventually does arrive, and decisions get made under pressure by people who are scared, shocked, exhausted and grieving, without any real idea of what their precious person or family member would want.
A few honest conversations, held well before they’re needed, can change all of that.
It doesn’t have to begin with paperwork
When people think about end of life planning, they often picture wills, legal documents, and advance care directives. Those things matter, but the most important planning isn’t paperwork; it’s understanding what someone values.
Before talking about specific treatments or funeral preferences, it helps to ask simpler questions. What makes life feel worthwhile to you? If your health changed significantly, what would you want prioritised? Comfort, independence, being at home, having family and best friends close? Are there cultural or spiritual practices that would matter deeply to you?
When values are clear, practical decisions become much easier to make. Without that foundation, families are left guessing and often under enormous pressure.
Choosing the right moment
These conversations tend to go better when there’s no urgency attached to them. A quiet afternoon, a long drive, or a relaxed catch-up over coffee can be enough.
Linking the conversation to something external can also ease you in. Something like: ‘After hearing about what happened to our neighbour’s family, I’ve been thinking about our own plans.’
Starting with yourself tends to work well too. ‘I want to make things easier for you if anything ever happens to me’ lands very differently from ‘You need to get your affairs in order.’
Conversation starters to try
You don’t need a script. One genuine question is enough to begin. Here are a few that open things up naturally:
- If you became seriously unwell, what would matter most to you?
- Have you thought about who you’d want making decisions on your behalf if you couldn’t?
- What does a good quality of life look like to you?
- Are there any cultural or spiritual practices that would feel important at end of life?
- What kind of farewell would feel right for you?
You don’t need to ask all of these. Pick one that feels right.
There are many resources available to help you get the conversation started, such as this PDF from Advance Care Planning Australia and these discussion starters from Palliative Care Australia.
Listen more than you speak
The most valuable skill in these conversations isn’t knowing what to say. It’s being willing to listen. Really listen. Listening to listen not listening to speak next. Without rushing to fill any silence or steer toward a conclusion. Give people time to think. Sit with pauses. Sometimes the most meaningful things are said after a moment of quiet. Sometimes the answer will arrive days later.
It’s also normal for people to feel uncertain or hesitant. That doesn’t mean the conversation has failed. End of life planning rarely happens in one sitting. It builds gradually, across smaller moments over time.
Letting the practical details follow
Once you have a sense of someone’s values, the practical side becomes much more approachable. From there, you can move into advance care planning as well as formal documents such as an Advance Care Directive. Planning can include clarifying health care preferences, appointing a substitute decision-maker, identifying where important documents are kept, and talking about what care might look like if someone developed a long-term illness, including where they would prefer to be cared for, and what would help them feel safe and supported. It can also include wishes around ritual and memorial.
You don’t need to cover everything at once. Even small pieces of clarity can carry enormous weight later. Knowing who someone trusts to speak for them, what they would want that person to understand and communicate, and what they consider a meaningful quality of life can guide difficult decisions with far more confidence.
When it helps to have support
Some families find these conversations come naturally. Others find them difficult not because of a lack of love, but because of long-standing family dynamics, differing beliefs, or simply not knowing how to begin. Sometimes it is shyness, fear of discomfort or fear of facing the inevitable or that talking about it might make it happen!
This is where an end of life doula can help. We create structured, calm space for these discussions. We don’t make decisions or replace family members; we help people articulate what matters to them and translate those values into practical plans. Having a skilled, neutral presence in the room often makes it easier for everyone to speak openly and feel heard.
At Preparing the Way, we support individuals and those close to them to navigate end of life with clarity, compassion, and confidence. If you’d like help starting these conversations, or training to support others to do the same, get in touch. We’d love to hear from you.